so now how the hell do we get ourselves out of this mess?
the great escape
I look around and eye the exit, my great escape, the red flashing sign, the word EXIT, written up, loud and clear, I eye it. And I make a run for it. The two hosts grab me before I even take a step, each with one arm locked into mine, they crack a joke about me, the audience laughs. They hand me a metal statuette, I hold it --the heaviest thing I’ve ever held on to-- it falls through the stage, through the wooden floor, with me holding tightly onto it, through and through. “Ladies and gentlemen we just witnessed a great escape, for the first time in the history of this event, has the winner escaped in such a dramatic fashion, and without giving a speech either.”
So it should be noted by all interested and uninterested parties alike that this blog is in the process of migrating or conducting hijrahaway from Blogspot to a convenient location at Wordpress...
... so for now posts will be updated more frequently at:
NOTE: This blog was originally commissioned and written for the Dawn Media Group to be published on their website's The Dawn Blog, however a few hours before going online the blog was pulled out by Dawn's editorial board. A few days later the Express Tribune similarly refused to run this whimsical piece on one of Pakistan's most infamous pop religious idols. It seems Pakistan's liberal press politely **GAGGED** itself on this particular occasion, and I repeat.. "censorship is bullshit!" .. below is the blog as it was originally written and intended to be published. Enjoy!
**Aalim Offline**
Recently the local media populace and the Pakistani blogosphere have been provided with some good clean long-overdue entertainment. Well not exactly clean, which is especially surprising to most, since the purveyor of this sordid yet enjoyable banter was none other than the celebrity anchor of popular Islamic religio-evangelical TV show, Aalim Online. The comments, which immediately became rampantly viral upon exposure to the chaotic mediums of social-networking, were not a part of the Aalim's regular show. Rather, these were the comments recorded during the outtake sessions of the show where the self-proclaimed religious scholar is talking rather candidly with the camera crew and the respectable guest-aalims on the show.
The virally successful video purporting to show the “true face” of the Aalim is nothing more than a
series of blooper-cuts in the outtakes of the show. Actually, even calling them bloopers would be taking away from the creative genius that unleashed the curse of humor onto the unsuspecting populace. Of as the Aalim must have said: “Abay! uss bhonsrri ke, bharrve ne meri video net pe nikal di.. bhenchod!!” But, the sheer brilliance of this previously hidden cult-performance (for the pleasure of only a select few) needs to be fully acknowledged upon its massive popular reception. And though it should also be noted that the “offline” persona of the Aalim is of far greater entertainment value than his regular “online” television persona, the novelty of his offline debut should not be discounted by any means.
The Aalim who appears on his show to be extremely polite, friendly, and cordial, also knowledgeable, sagacious and wise to the viewers and guests of the show, displayed a whole range of hidden talents which include, singing eunuch chants in paan-wala qalwali style, an acutely sharp wit at doing the taking of the camera-crew and engaging in jugatbaazi of guests, an impressive knowledge of Bollywood trivia, an extremly mellifluous way of dealing scandalous humor to 'fake' live callers trying to discuss serious issues, not to mention an extremely colorful language which would silence any local high-school ruffian. With all these stunning off-air qualities hidden away, the Aalim must have been really stifling his creative spirit all this while under the pressure of public expectations.
A voice that can sing sweet melodies, a tongue that can hurl out vibrant colourful curses with no
respite, these are traits that must not be muffled under any circumstances, for indeed, a new star has
been born. And to think the Aalim had been shrouding his many talents in secrecy while trying to
cultivate his Online Aalim persona.. No! No more.. we won't have this any more. The Aalim needs to unleash his skills now that he's been finally de-cloaked onto the webosphere by the wild-fires it has conflagerated through YouTube videos, Facebook comments, Twitter, twittering, etc. We can't be
expected to just enjoy the free-sample and then be content with ourselves, we want more! Now, it is
time to unleash the non-Islamic side of the Aalim's talents and his off-air antics upon the airwaves of
the nation, and then onto the rest of the world...
The Aalim should now do a do-over and revamp his show completely. All he has to do is swap his
online persona, with his offline persona and we have an international hit #1 show that will run for
seasons upon seasons of senseless madness. Initially it would be a challenge keeping his rather boring online persona off the screen, and it would be tough keeping the two roles separate. But initially the Aalim doesn't even have to do anything, the camera crew could just fiddle with the blinking on-air light so it blinks when its actually off-air and stays off while on-air, that way the Aalim would be under no undue pressure of performing for the masses at large and would be his jovial own hair-adjusting off-air self. Once the Aalim has become more used to his celebrity comedian stardom, he could transition his persona more freely into on-camera appearances. Hell, there can even be a movie that'll blow the box-office up: Aalim Offline, Bigger, Longer, Uncut. I say the networks involved should cease this opportunity by the horns.
And with all the chatter on the internet, hardly anyone seems to notice that there is limitless potential to be tapped here; this man is a national treasure. Think about it, he could call up Bollywood celebrities, fire a barrage of scandalous questions upon them about their latest flings, fights, and hustles, then he could do a little bit of taking which these stars are unaccustomed to getting from their lame Indian media – later during the call he could offer a truce to the guest caller and do a little duet of a popular Bollywood number with them. Then move onto the next guest mullah on the couch, and immediately start making fun of his appearance and his get up, while cussing at the cameraman for laughing. Doesn't anyone see that this guy has it in him to be no less than Pakistan's very own Jay Leno?! Pakistan's new comedy superstar hit sensation is born.. eat that India, and David Letterman who thinks getting a fatwa issued against him might boost his popularity.
Of course like with all other Pakistani developments, this one is also needlessly shrouded in an overly negative sentiment of woe. Apparently the debate simply resolves around the high contrast between the Aalim's online person and his offline persona: i.e. how could the man who appears to be so polite, courteous, pious, and civilized on-air, have all these ridiculously outrageous talk-show abilities off-air? And then there are people saying, “Oh, how can he praise the prophet and say all that with the same tongue!” Nonsense I say, people do a lot of things with the same tongue they use for praising the prophet, lets not get into that shall we? No haram in a little harmless humor. And then some people, overcome by jealousy and envy and all those other vices, have tried to take away from the Aalim's impressive repertoire of on and off camera abilities by saying that the video was edited and overdubbed.
Well obviously the video was edited! Do you naive souls actually believe that what you watch on
television is unedited? Of course its edited, no wonder we never get to watch the juicy bits of pure
entertainment, while the camera personnel and the production crew chuckle laugh their asses off at
his insane humor. **Censorship is always BULLSHIT!** let me tell you that.. And for those petty insecure scoundrels who say that the Aalim's voice was overdubbed.. I put out an open challenge: If the Aalim's voice was actually overdubbed by some extremely ingenious video technician using a strange and spectacular “editing-machine”, then the unadulterated “pure” videos with the Aalims purportedly original voice should be similarly leaked to show that the Aalim was in fact not the one making these hilarious statements. But we know these accusations are not true right? For if someone did go to all the trouble of overdubbing the Aalim's voice with his impersonation, if he was really that talented, then he would've put out his own video in his own voice and become an overnight YouTube sensation. The Aalim is actually funny! Get over it people, you can't conspiracy theorize this one away that easily, the offline Aalim is here to stay, you should recognize that you are in the midst of unworldly stardom!
